It was just an average morning, dragging myself out of bed to get ready for work. Checked my temperature, charted it on my little app, pulled out a pregnancy stick and did my morning business. Peeing on those sticks towards the end of each cycle became a part of my daily routine. Every month came and went, each peed-on-stick turned out to be negative and each month my heart sunk further down into my chest.
This particular morning was a little different. The test came up blank as usual, “ahhhh for fuck sake” I sighed and threw it into the bin with force. While getting dressed, something told me to check it again. I rummaged through the bin and recovered my arch-enemy. Could it be? The faintest of pink lines was staring back at me. Is this even possible? Surely my mind is playing a trick on me! I held it up to the light, looked at my watch it had only been three or so minutes, I took photos to zoom in and YES, that pink line was sure as hell there. It might have been faint but boy was it there.
Almost 9 months of trying, 9 months of continual devastation every time the red bitch of a period showed her ugly face. 9 months of wishing it was us along with what seemed to be a million other couples around us. Finally our dream of being parents was becoming a reality.
I drove to work in disbelief and took another test. The pink line was actually getting darker, still very faint but it wasn’t disappearing. OH. MY. LORDY. My mind was spinning. I just wanted to call Ben and scream down the news over the phone. I couldn’t do that to him though, I wanted to tell him face to face so I could absorb every inch of his reaction to the news.
I started feeling sick at work, like a shitty car sickness that I couldn’t quite shake. I just wanted to shove toast or crackers down my gob to take that sick feeling away. I noticed my boobs were sore like they were on FIRE and everything around me smelt more intense. Every month prior I got these same symptoms so it didn’t register that these could actually be a pregnancy sign! The first month I stopped “symptom-spotting” like a cray cray and it turns out they were there for a reason!!!
That night I raced home and took another test. It was getting darker again! I wasn’t going crazy! The awful motion sickness feeling wouldn’t go away. I Dr Googled my symptoms and I was reassured to find that the sicker you are the healthier the pregnancy is. I got my bloods taken the following day- CONFIRMED, I’m pregnant!!! She said my levels were low at 29 but said I would just be super early. I was told we were 4 weeks and two days into the pregnancy- WHATTTTT no bloody way, THIS IS ACTUALLY REAL! Because my levels were so low and lines were still rather faint I’m assuming I ovulated much later and implanted later again (probably why it took so long to fall, I was getting the timing wrong).
I was excited, like over the moon happy. But something was stopping me from being the “happy” that I envisioned myself being. What if I miscarried? what if little bean doesn’t stick? a whole 8 more weeks until I know for sure?! I was feeling flat like I could cry because again, I couldn’t control the outcome. Just like I couldn’t control getting pregnant that same feeling was haunting me. I thought it would be like an instant weight off my shoulders, but it was like an even heavier burden of the unknown. I was desperately grateful that we were finally blessed with this little being growing inside me. But I was equally afraid of the “what if’s”.
I spoke deeply with a close friend about how I was feeling and she explained that the worrying will never end. The worrying is all part of becoming a mother. The worrying will stay with you like another limb for the rest of your life. Is he growing healthy? Will the birth be ok? Will he get sick? Will he feed properly? Will he hear, talk and see properly? Will he graze his knees at the park or get bullied by others? Gahhhhh yep becoming a mother had started and that worry had taken home inside my head.
We are now 12 weeks along. The first trimester was ROUGH!!! Sick all day ERRRYYY day, crying over everythanggg, sleeping at every moment possible. That constant hungover/ motion sickness/can’t throw up feeling is honestly bloody awful. But each day I felt shit, made me grateful for experiencing this wee baby finally. Even though i’ve been sick, i’m still loving every second of the pregnancy, talking to my little bebe, imagining how he looks and picturing our life together when we finally get to hold him in our arms. I’m still worrying like a mother does, but I guess that’s just something I am grateful for because I’ve finally been gifted with “being a mother”. I will be a mummy. Oh wow that’s like pure bliss to my long awaited ears.
For Trying to Conceive abbreviations see Here
Two Week Wait Symptoms:
- CD 17- LOTS of EWCM
- CD 18- Temp drop- Sign of ovulation
- 1 DPO- Temp rise above the line- Ferning on Maybe Baby
- 6 DPO- Temp drop and cramping throughout the day- Possible implantation and Ferning on Maybe Baby
- 7 DPO- Temp rise again and stayed high. Ferning on Maybe Baby. Craziest dream about being pregnant- SOOOO bloody real never had this before!!!
- 8 DPO- Cried at work texting some friends about wanting a baby- Cried very easily
- 9 DPO- Negative pregnancy test Stopped ferning on Maybe Baby
- 10 DPO- Woke up and cried for about an hour, like actually sobbed because I wanted to be pregnant. I even thought to myself how hormonal I seemed
- 12 DPO- Positive pregnancy test- Faint but there- Feeling extremely Nauseous, boobs on fire and lots of creamy CM. Stopped ferning on Maybe Baby. Keep waking up at 4am not tired can’t sleep!
- 13 DPO- Level 29 HGC- low levels but Confirmed blood test- Lots of creamy CM
- 14 DPO- Until now- Peeing alot more. Still ferning on Maybe Baby (means i’m pregnant) Waking up earlier and can’t sleep. Vivid dreams!!! Boobs really sore and much bigger. Very thirsty and seriously moody!!!
What we did different to encourage others:
- Put up positive signs around the house to encourage a healthy “you will get pregnant” mind set
- I went into this month being very relaxed and carefree
- Spoke with Nat Kringoudis from the Pagoda Tree to see how my cycles looked and she was excellent to speak with- Highly recommend
- Stopped everything we had done in the previous months- Stopped naturopath, Chinese medicine, acupuncture- Just went natural
- Ben wore different jocks to keep his jewells coolers and stopped drinking coffee
- Tried to relax as much as possible- took two days off work, got a massage together at Yummy Mummy Pregnancy Day Spa– Highly recommend
- Had Sex two days before Ovulation and not at all before (he didn’t get home until then but I think saving his goods was what helped)
- Had fun with my husband- Lots of laughing, chilling out, being playful and not solely focusing on the baby making.
- The only medication I took was Elevit and vitamin C daily
- Decided to stop trying and booked in to see a fertility specialist for June
- Ate lots of avocado and healthy smoothies most mornings
- Used Preseed as a lubricant each time
- Bum up on a pillow each time
- I had about three coffees this month- I had vowed to stop all caffeine together but this month was a little more relaxed
Thank you to everyone who supported us during this past year. Every personal story, every heart aching for us, every kiss and positive comment was read & cherished. We are just so thankful. I know a lot of you are still struggling, i’m sending each of you a million positive vibes, a tuck load of baby dust and crap load of healthy thoughts. I give you permission to smack the next person who tells you to “relax”.
Love Ky xox