Trying for a baby is hard work. Forget what you were taught in school, forget what your mumma frightened you with when you had the awkward “sex talk” during puberty- I’m totally calling bullshit on all of it!
Every aspect of raising a baby excites me and for years this continual excitement has fueled my longing for a baby of our own. The pregnancy, the birth, the bonding with a wee human you’ve created. Even the poo explosions, the projectile vomiting, the screaming and sleepless nights. Seeing your husband loving something else unconditionally- as if you’d both actually die without that new being in your lives. Yep all of that excites me- the good and the bad.
Never once did I doubt the process, or question how long it would take to conceive. We were always told to “use protection or you’ll get pregnant” so I suppose I just assumed it would be, well, easy to get knocked up (insert face palm slap). Have sex, make a baby- Simple right? Oh boy, how wrong this can be. It’s actually rather embarrassing looking back on how naive I was, I shake my head now laughing at the thought. My mum always said “you’ll just have to sniff the stuff and you’ll get pregnant I know it”. Watching all our friends around us fall pregnant so easily was bitter sweet- We were overjoyed with pure excitement for them, but also overwhelmed with the feeling of “what’s wrong with us then?”
Fast track to the now, we’ve been actively trying for coming onto 8 months. 8 months doesn’t seem like a long time but it honestly feels like an eternity of waiting, hoping, wishing and praying. It feels like a lifetime when it’s the one thing you don’t have control over. To throw another spanner in the trying-to-conceive works- my husband is only home every three weeks so focusing on the timing issue really is a total headache.
Each month comes and goes. You search for every sign of ovulation; pains, secretions, temperature shifts, egg whites (yes, ewcm egg whites is an actual thing!). Then after the golden egg has supposedly been released, you start the dreaded two week wait; where you begin to twitch in angst because two whole weeks waiting, feels like a friggen lifetime away. Again you start tracking every ache, every twinge, every cramp, every sleepless night, every crazy dream, every sore throat and every possible sign that might lead to pregnancy symptoms.
This vicious trying to conceive cycle starts to play on your mind, your soul, your well being. Each month you convince yourself “this is the month, I’m pregnant,” but then just when you’re so sure of yourself, just when you’re certain those signs and symptoms HAVE to conclude to a pregnancy, that giant red BITCH of a period arrives. Each month a text goes back and forth to a handful of my closest friends containing the words “my vagina has been murdered.” We laugh and joke and then go about our day, but that little message is just something to sweeten the blow of what feels like an avalanche of sad emotions.
Through all my research (and bloody hell there’s a lot to learn) it was mind boggling to find out just how hard it is to get pregnant. SAY WHATTT- But it’s meant to be easy right? Each year I get older, my chances of conceiving decrease by almost half- Wholly shit stop the clock now. Finding out that our bodies actually reject semen like it’s an intruder, watching videos of how they have to physically struggle through the trenches of our acidic bodies to get to the winning prize- The poor bastards don’t even stand a chance! Being told by my doctor, with a calm smile on his face, that it actually takes up to 12 months for a perfectly healthy couple to fall pregnant- That’s pretty much when my brain exploded.
Trying for a baby has cost us hundreds if not thousands of dollars already (and that’s not even trying IVF). I suppose you could call me obsessive, but my original mind set was to try everything possible to start with to increase our chances of falling. This seemed like it was a positive way to look at our journey, why not start off this the best way possible. But it all seriously adds up. Weekly naturopath visits, weekly acupuncture sessions, doctor’s check-ups, countless pregnancy and ovulation tests, blood tests, Chinese herbalists to get my hormones back into balance, using pre-seed and then there’s the endless drugs we take to encourage a healthy body. Vitex, fertile aid, elevit, premolar, vitamins, fish oils, the list is endless. Not to mention to the crayacray googling you do to see if all of these things even work. You’ve already become a crazy person for being so obsessed, but the googling really just confirms this.
None of those things listed have worked for us so far and to be honest i’ve now stopped it all to just focus on “us”. The one piece of advice that every parents seems to give is “relax, you can’t be stressed.” Yep, totally aware of this factor (say it one more time, I dare you). Stress does play a huge part in my daily life but I suppose it’s the one factor that is seriously hard to change. Wanting a baby is not like a switch where you can just flick it off when you want. It’s embedded into you like you’re missing a limb from your body. This wanting alone triggers that awful stress, so learning how to breathe and let it all go takes time.
This past 8 months has taught me a lot of life changing things. I’ve discovered a lot about my body, I can read every sign it throws at me like a book. I’ve taught myself how to de-stress and let go of situations so I don’t consume the negative energy. I’ve become less consumed by wanting a baby and adopted a healthier mind set because I know it will happen eventually. God has a plan for Ben and I, and I know his plan is going to be epic. I just need to be patient, our time will come. I know this whole trying to conceive journey has forced me to become more appreciative and loving for what we have now and for what our future holds.
It means that when we finally hold our baby in our arms, whenever that may be, it will be the most incredible gift ever given to us.